I want to meet someone who is sincerely, genuinely, no strings attached happy. They don't have to have the best life, just with a positive outlook who doesn't let bad things get them down. I understand that it is hard to come by, and a normal person would say it doesn't exist, but I want to believe that it is possible. That not everyone is damaged.

Oftentimes I question this youth. The best days of our lives. A penchant for fun, vitality through the roof, livers that can withstand all that is thrown at it. Lovely yes, however vapid it may be. I try to judge what truly makes me love the place I am in and its not the parties, that certain penchant for fun, it is the people that I have met and the simple outings. I feel older than my 20 years, but unfortunately none the wiser.

They say that above all, life should not be defined by regret. We are in control of our lives regardless of the many pitfalls that may occur. Knowing this, why is it so difficult to pass by the days being completely content with our choices. How is it that often enough mistakes are made time and time again, all the while being aware of such. I don't understand.

Life should not be defined by regret. Actions speak louder than words. My favorite lines. Easier said than done, huh?

I know I havent written in a while. Ive been putting it off and it just didnt seem like I had anything meaningful to say, but thats a complete lie. In fact, I think this has been the most meaningful year to date. So much has happenned and I almost cant believe that its only been .. 9 months. That sounds longer than it is. Im really happy about how things have turned out, I guess. I love akdphi, Im so happy Im a sister, so glad I went through all that shit and had that experience, despite all the bitchwork and how incredibly busy it makes me. I wouldnt take it back. I love the people Ive met, all the things Ive done, my suite, most of my classes, everything. Overall Im just so thankful for all the things in my life. Family, bing friends, home friends, people who email me to check up and make me feel.. normal. I dont have the right to complain about anything. But still, despite everything I feel like somethings missing. More on the literal term later. I always thought I had my shit on lock, but every so often Ill freak out and realize being oblivious doesnt help. Ive had a problem with passion. Im so jealous of people who are so passionnate about whatever. It could be about stamps for crying out loud, but its something. I want to get my major down. I want to find that passion and maybe realize what Im striving for, besides that perfect husband and whte pickett fence. I think I spend too much time not worrying, then not know what to do when its time to worry. I dont know how to handle things well.


It seriously ALWAYS feels like somethings missing. Well, that being that something is missing but I stupidly and seriously thought that it would get better. Honestly I suppose it did get better. There are so many moments when everything is fine, normal, carrying on with your daily lives. But then always.. it hits like the very first moments. Maybe harder because now I know its real. Ive been thinking about it a lot. I never noticed how many things remind me of her. Of how I get very quiet and quite frankly angry when something serious regarding her comes up. I sound creepy. I need to stop thinking about things. You know how people say that to cope youre suppose to think of all good times and whatnot, but I dont think I can do that. All I imagine is how empty those pictures look. That its always incomplete. Horribly I use to wonder what I would do in a situation like this, is this how I imagined it? I cant remember, its driving me crazy. I miss her. I selfishly wish I could just.. block it out? Deal better. Actually learn how normal people deal with things instead of just pushing it away.


I think im just blabbing on. Using a lot of "I's" and "Im's" thats bad too. Perhaps Ive been putting my focus on things that shouldnt take so much focus. Being an optimist is hard, I dont know how to handle things that arent happy. Or perhaps Im unhappier than most, but deal with that better? I dunno, I like being happy more. Things dont get to me. I guess. I dont know what Im talking about. I really dont know what Im talking about. I prefer being brainless.



If you read this far please disregard everything Ive said.

CHEERS ! <3

2006 was pretty great; graduating year, first semester of college, a whole load of good times. Alas ! wanna improve with every year right? So of course I've got a bunch of resolutions and though trying to keep track of them is difficult theres no harm in an attempt. therefore:

» Stop being stupid; about school, about guys (!), about friends, about time management. THINK !
» No more wasting time ! There is so much loitering around and napping and whatnot. Work out, read, work, etc. None of this free time crap.
» Save more money. How is it possible that I spend so much money on stuff that I dont use? Ive got at least 5 shirts that I havent worn yet. Plus 3 more coming in ;x
» When I get back to school : spend more time online + on phone talking to buddies in the city. Oh how I miss you so.
» Less consumption of alcohol, more consumption of water.

I would think of more but then it gets really obvious and all that. Like, whats the point in wanting to sleep at normal times when Ive been telling myself to do that for ages yet still dont. Man I hope I follow these.

I really did like 2006. Some eye opening moments, many many fantastic moments. Heres to a new year dearie <3

Instead of studying for finals as I should Im finally going to update; damn I missing out on updates, it makes me feel like such a deadbeat. Oh well, better than studying for motherfucking polisci. I cant wait for Christmas in the city; the lights, the sounds, the smells, THE TREE! Everything is happier during the season and all those holiday season haters can choke on some holly. I love it. And being at bing for so long, I probably wont mind it being so cold and all that. Anywhos, theres so much I want to do and with a month to do it if I end up procrastinating (ahem, like the summer list) I would have to jump off a mountain. Carrying on ..

» Making a gingerbread castle with all the works.
» Making one of Rachel Ray's 30 min meals.
» Kill bitches in cranium.
» Visit all those lovely holiday touristy areas + pictures. (or at least a few)
» Not overspend (!!)
» Spend at least every other day visiting and seeing those dearest.
» Finish that motherfucking Disney lollipop.
» Go to the rock! .. and not freeze.
» Fuck ice skating, snowboarding ;)

I will think of more later after all that studying. And Im reusing this picture because Christmas at the zoo is the best, and there isnt anything seasonal up here.